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Dec. 12th, 2014 @ 02:20 am These days
Current Location: Eleven80
Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
Doing better. Getting by.
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Nov. 24th, 2014 @ 03:08 am Lately
I have trouble getting out of bed in the morning. It's not so much a problem of being tired, though it is, I just am not enthusiastic about starting my day lately. I'm pretty much always overwhelmed by the amount of stuff I ought to do at any given moment, the amount of stuff that is overdue... the whole nine. I can't be productive at work either. I have so much that has been inching toward completion for so long. That is partly not my fault – my boss keeps interrupting me with one new priority or another, and there have been a lot of things taking me out of the office recently. Conferences, contract negotiations, illness of one sort or another.

It's just all too much. Sometimes I feel like I want to be in bed for a week. Part of me thinks if I ever managed to get a full night's sleep, things would feel little bit different. That part of me is probably right, but I don't seem to be getting any better at pulling it off.

To look at what is waiting for me tomorrow, or has been waiting for me while I've been out of town: return a phone call to someone interested in some of my grandmother's land, figure out when I'm going to go to Florida next, figure out what the hell is going on with the power steering in my van, see about getting doctor's appointments to figure out what is wrong with my health, and choose what the hell I'm going to do with Thanksgiving. Writing it out, it only seems like about 20 minutes worth of work. Okay, maybe not for the land thing. The trouble is, I don't really want to do any of it. I would like to sit down and watch a movie. All that means is that it's 3:08 in the morning, and I'm thinking about shit like this instead I'm going to sleep.
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Oct. 20th, 2014 @ 01:53 am ...
Horrible week, worse day. Onward.
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Dec. 26th, 2012 @ 01:53 am It's Sorta Beginning to not Feel Anything in Particular Like Christmas
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
So it's been awhile again. It's always been awhile, and I think it's always been awhile for most people too. No one writes on this thing much anymore, and that's part of the reason I don't read it much anymore either. I also sometimes don't feel comfortable being as honest when I think someone else will read it. And I guess that's part of the problem, because I personally seek to be that honest no matter who hears it, which occasionally make interpersonal whatnot a bit challenging, but... I don't know, I think it works. But I digress...

Today -- well, yesterday -- was Christmas. I haven't written about Thanksgiving (well, belated Thanksgiving with my aunt -- real Thanksgiving was pretty normal) yet either, but I will. Anyhow, Christmas Day:

Woke up at about 12:30... shot upright, actually, having realized I turned off my "pager" and subsequently realizing it was my only warning if the patching at work did not go well (which sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn't). Everything was at least fine in such a way that it was functioning (some of the work just didn't happen). I got up not too long after and had some lunch -- some of the massive pile of chicken Marsala that arrived as a takeout order the other day. Watched some TV shows on Netflix, called -- and REACHED -- my grandmother and wished her a Merry Christmas, which sadly might have been the highlight of both of our days. I then had a couple of beers, turned the heat on (seems to be my latest cutting loose activity as it is a bit decadent in an apartment that is truthfully always warm enough), contemplated taking in a movie, took a nap, and didn't go anyplace. Eventually corresponded with a few people through SMS, had some more chicken and some popcorn, watched Lost in Translation, which seemed like the right mood for me, and watched the pilot of the Sopranos. At some point in the middle there, a friend sent me a tongue-in-cheek (or not -- I never know with him) text about keeping the Christmas candle burning, so I lit a bunch of them. All in all, it was restful, I relaxed, and I never wound up feeling completely despondent, which I think is what I was worried about.

I was invited places. Two or three of them, actually. I just didn't feel up to it. I don't know exactly why. What I've told people is that I felt like I would be somewhat out of place, or like there would be too much fuss over the guest that couldn't find anyplace to go. That is probably somewhat true, but I don't know if it totally explains it. I also spent a lot of time thinking back to Christmas over the last few years and thinking about how I finally started to feel like I had family again or someplace real to go that hasn't really been true since I lost my mom. I have tried to have Christmas of my "own" at my dad's the last few years, but it really never took off. Whether it was appreciated or not, I don't know, but it was pulling teeth and this year I decided to just stop. I guess the only result there was going from spending Christmas angry to spending Christmas sad. I don't know which is technically better or more useful.

I was telling someone the other day, I used to love Christmas. For a few years after my mom died even, I was the one insisting we go through with it all. I had a Christmas tree in my dorm sophomore year of college, in my house both junior and senior years of college, and in my rental house in North Newark the year after. I have even had a small one in my apartment both years, have had wreaths on my front door, and sometimes a Christmas tree on my desk at work. I can remember my house growing up always looked stunning in Christmas light -- lights on the mantle, glow of the Christmas tree, outdoor lights glowing on the snow if we were so lucky that year. I just felt like almost nothing would be able to come close, and sometimes it's even worse to be doing something and simultaneously feel like it's not working for you... or something.

I will be fine in January. But it's a pretty big upset to find yourself dreading your favorite time of the year.
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Fuck you!
May. 7th, 2012 @ 11:25 pm Quiet
Current Location: Eleven80
Current Mood: discontentdiscontent
Tags: ,
Been posting privately a lot lately, which is not really like me.
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Apr. 27th, 2012 @ 07:43 am Sleep, for awhile
Current Location: Eleven80
Had kind of a weird dream last night.

Had a crush on the bartender somewhere... some large bar somewhere in the downtown of a city that I've been to before, but not Newark. I think it was supposed to be Newark but shot elsewhere. I don't remember too much more about that, other than I talked to her a lot and one of the times I went in, she didn't have either of the two beers I drank (Guinness was one, the other was some variety of "tan" complementary beer) because, in her words "you drank them all." There was a lot of time spent in the Glen Rock/Fair Lawn part of Bergen County later on in the dream, but I don't remember where or why.

In any case, the other half appeared to be that someone at work had reported me for "destroying evidence" and had been in my office over the weekend looking for something. It somehow went on from there where people were sort of digging up everything I'd ever done incorrectly at work and putting them all out there on the table at the same time sorta. And this was somewhat public, so the people who were calling me to let me know about what was going on and that I was being investigated were sort of one by one losing faith in me.

A lot of parts of this dream sorta came off like one of those movies where this sort of stuff happens. I guess in the movie version (and perhaps in the dream -- I don't remember), the bartender that I had the friendship with probably would have helped me dig up the evidence to prove whatever I needed to prove to vindicate me, and we probably went around Bergen County in a fast-paced suspenseful fashion to do it, and we would have ended up together at the end of it.

Wonder where this stuff comes from. Bartender last night was a dude with a big beard, anyhow.
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Ryan Laptop Sleep
Apr. 21st, 2012 @ 03:03 am Songify this
Current Location: Washington Marriot Wardman Park
Current Mood: hopefulhopeful
Current Music: Coldplay - Warning Sign
I like this song, and it's in a similar mood as I am.

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Bottle Mostly Empty
Apr. 16th, 2012 @ 04:35 pm Old
Current Location: UMDNJ - ADMC
Current Mood: blahblah
Happier time.

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cpr week
Apr. 13th, 2012 @ 02:22 am End of an era
Current Location: Eleven80
Current Mood: melancholymelancholy
It is still incredible to me how unbelievably sad you can be about something that of your own choosing.
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Apr. 1st, 2012 @ 01:56 am 2012
Current Location: Eleven80
Current Mood: blahblah
So they come in threes, I'm told... just in general. Lost one friend earlier this year to suicide. Will be at the wake for another tomorrow evening. A third has just been diagnosed with brain cancer. Hopefully he will not be joining that club.
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